1/2 way point. (plus a month, but who’s counting?)

So I’m a little over my half birthday… and well, the ambition (per usual) has died down.  I had such great intentions to make a list of 36 things to accomplish this year (since I’m :::shutter::: 36 this year).

I have always been lazy and over ambitious; two things that don’t mix well.  I am not a doer, I want to be, but I’m not naturally a doer.  I have the greatest ideas, but I don’t have the motivation to follow through with them.  Its a shame.  I know I’d be world famous crafter or designer or president or something… if only I could find my strength and motivation.  Seriously though, I have come up with some fantastic ideas.  Lately I have so many ideas, my head is going to explode.  I’ve started writing them down in order for that to not happen.  No one wants to see my head explode… 

All in all… I’m gosh darn depressed!  Some days I feel fantastic and I have all this hope for the future and I’m excited… then there are days like today, where I feel… low, hopeless, worrisome.

This all brings up a thought, many of them actually, but first:  How did I end up here?  Not that I’m in a bad place, nothing like that.  Not even close.  I’m in a great place.  I just never imagined this life for myself.  I always imagined somehow (without any effort on my part, of course) I’d be happily working for someone I enjoyed, married, kids, house, picket fence, the American Dream!  All of it without giving any effort, because I truly felt, it would all just land in my lap.  I never imagined I’d be sans any of those things.  Not that I’d trade my current situation (other than my job — I’m not happy with that at all and would trade it in)… my current situation is great, I’m grateful for all the things & people I have in my life.  Its a good life.  I just have never had/made a plan for myself.  I have always just gone day to day, flowing with the flow…

And now… here I am …36.  It’s not old, but lets be real… its not young either.  I should have at least some of my shit figured out.  This thought really gets to me a lot.  I’ve never been that person that cared about age until this year.  This is the first year I’ve been really upset about not accomplishing any dreams and not even knowing what my dreams are.  I know I have time to accomplish a lot… and I’m working on it, working on it harder than I ever have before.  Yet… nothing has come to fruition and I’m frustrated.  I know things take time, and I’m working on being patient with myself and others.  I’m also trying to not put an importance on the things that are out of my control.  Everything I need is on its way.  I genuinely believe that.  Though… for my sanity, I need progress.  I need to make progress, with the things that are in my control.

I’ve been putting A LOT of thought into going back to school, and even a few actions in place.  I don’t have a solid set in stone plan, just yet, but I have some basic steps in place.  First and foremost is finances.  I have to get my finances in order.  My rough/basic plan is as follows:

\\FINANCES:
–Save $$
–Sell more on Etsy
–Work with financial aid
–Get part time job

\\ETSY:
–Create more items for the store
–PROMOTE
–Blog more (part of the promotion)
–Make business cards

\\SCHOOL:
–Register – DONE
–Financial Aid – In process (waiting for my award letter)
–Talk to counseling office (what classes do I take?!)
–Sign up!

That’s the basic/rough plan so far.   I know there are so so so many details I need to iron out before anything happens… but I’m on a good path.  And I need to stay focused.  If I don’t, I may lose my mind.  I need to move forward with my life… I’ve been standing still for far too long.  Its beginning to feel like my feet are in concrete and I can’t move.  I’m desperate to get moving…

Wish me luck; good, preferably.

How I feel, stuck.

This is a drawing of how I feel; stuck in a bucket of cement, while wearing a seriously adorable dress. (I’m an incredible artist, I know.)

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2013 | 2014

***

Just wanted to take a moment to thank 2013… it was hard, fun, ridiculous, and everything inbetween.  I am grateful for the lessons learned.  Here’s to 2014 where I plan on being even more grateful for everything life has to offer.  I have a hard time with change and although, its just going from one day to the next; just like yesterday… there is a different feeling to starting a new year.  Maybe its just me, I maybe put too much pressure on the new year, but it has so much opportunity and hope attached to it.  “This will be my year!” kinda stuff.  I’m trying a slightly different approach this year… be grateful and be a doer.  Get business done & be grateful you can get business done!  I am scared of the new, but excited at the same time.  Really though, thank you 2013 — lots of lessons learned.  If not for those lessons, 2014 won’t be what it will be…
Now for my New Years Resolutions, every year I make them and every year I break most of them.  haha But it wouldn’t be a new year if I didn’t make my resolutions… (although, they are almost the same every year… I could just copy last years list.  haha!)  Here we go!

Slow down:   There are so many things I want to do that I get overwhelmed.  I get all caught up in the 10,000 things I’d like to accomplish right. now. and then I end up doing none of them.  I need to take it easy… everything doesn’t have to (and realistically cannot) be done right now.  I need to just take it one thing at a time and eventually all those things will get done.  The way I’m doing it now… nothing is getting done.  And there is no worse feeling than having a completely unproductive day.  Also, when I rush through stuff, I don’t get any enjoyment out of it.  Slowing down and really relishing the moment.

Money:  I am a thirty-something adult and I still do not know how to manage my money.  So my goal is to learn how to manage money.  Normally my goal is to save… but I think I need to learn how to manage and in managing I think saving just comes naturally.

Health:  Take better care of myself, clearly.  I have been doing a terrible job at this… I want to feel good about myself again, so I need to take better care.  Not only to look good on the outside but most importantly, feel great on the inside.  I may never be a size 2, but I can feel perfect just being me in whatever size I might be.  Yoga & running like I used to do, I know its possible to be healthy, I was there once… I can do it again.

Fear:  Let it go.  I suppose that is two in one.  I need to stop letting fear get the best of me and holding me (and others) back… and letting go of things.  I hold on to my fears so tightly, not to let them get away.  In doing so I am losing so many opportunities.  Fear is blocking the happiness from getting into my life.  Every time I have a fear enter my head, I need to tell it to go away, and eventually it will stop coming around.  This will be a hard one for me to tackle, but I’m going to work my hardest at this one.

Creativity:  I opened an Etsy store (Surprisingly Upbeat) in November and considering I don’t do any advertising… I think it gets seen more than I ever thought it would.  Which of course makes me think maybe it could become something, something small, something fun… but something!  I have so many ideas I would like to see come to fruition, so I need to slow down (resolution #1 and this one go hand in hand, really) and just do one idea a month or whatever.  I also have a few projects I wanted to get done for friends, which I need to make the time for.  I was given a new, amazing sewing machine for Christmas and I cant wait to use it!  So. Much. To. Do.  This is where I really need to stop, take a breath and slow down… or nothing will get done and my creativity meter will be stuck at low forever.

S l ow  D o w n…

These are tough ones, but good ones.  I feel good about this years list.  Normally its like 50 things long, which is just setting myself up for failure.  A simple list of things, its perfect.

Cheers to 2013 and Welcome 2014!

xo

*image taken from Sometimes Sweet Blog

be brave. (my ramblings)

“Don’t allow your mind to tell your heart what to do. The mind gives up easily”

– Paulo Coelho

 

I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it

 

Be Brave… something that is so hard for me. I fear everything, it’s paralyzing; most of the time I can’t do anything because I am so afraid. I have come to realize its time for me to stop this and really try to be brave. (Only took me 35 years to get to here, but hey who’s counting?) It’s been a week and I’m doing so-so. Not bad, but not great. Amplifying hope & happiness has never been easy, so every moment I have to remind myself to be positive. I’m doing much better. I see the light at the end of the tunnel; I know it’s only a week, but hey… it’s a WEEK!

So anyway, I haven’t been in the right frame of mind for a good update lately. I miss blogging. A lot. But I just can’t seem to get in a good place to have something anything to say. I’m not saying life is bad, it’s not bad… it’s quite good most of the time. I’m just missing my creativity I suppose. I need to find it soon so I feel sane again.

I miss feeling sane.

One thing that has been on my mind lately… rebuilding life. I feel like since I moved back from NJ I’ve struggled to rebuild my life. It shouldn’t be this hard, but wow… it’s still hard! I sort of lost it all when I moved back from NJ – friends, job, dog, home, the life I’d come to know. I moved home and I feel like it’s been this uphill battle to get my life back. I made traction and thought I was moving forward at a good pace in 2011; then it all fell apart again. Kind of like that game Chutes and Ladders… made it almost to the top and I land on a Chute and fell all the way down again.

*sigh* Back to the drawing board…

Recently, I do feel like I was given the tools to rebuild a great new life and my attitude has had a bit of a shift; a brighter outlook on life. So now I need to really try to focus my energy on happiness & creativity. I have lost so much time on dwelling on the past, I’ve missed out on the present. My new job is wonderful, I have an excitement for the future I haven’t had in a long time & its Friday. I’m climbing up a ladder for sure… I just have to keep holding on; sure there are going to be chutes here and there, but I won’t let another one take me all the way to the bottom.

So here’s to a new outlook and brighter days ahead! xo

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Happy 1/2 Birthday, To Me!

I came across this great article through a blog I love reading (Sometimes Sweet) and it inspired me to make a small list of things to accomplish before I turn… um, well,  my next birthday.  (We don’t need to talk about ages, its just a number after all)  So here it is.  6 things in 6 months… before I turn… ahem, another year older:

1.  Make a 5 year plan and stick to it.  

I’ve never mapped out a plan for my life, ever… and here I am still in nowhere-ville and always just trying to “figure it out” or so I think/say; I have yet to figure anything out.  Some thoughts have been thrown around and we will see where things land in the next month or two.

2.  Start blogging again, regularly.

I look back at my old blogs and get so happy, I used to do stuff!  Whoa!  And maybe I didn’t, but I made a point to always take a photo of something/someone and I love those memories.  I want that back.

3.  Kick negativity in the butt!

I’m naturally have a very negative attitude towards myself.  Other people, I could not be more supportive & positive… but with my own life… so. negative.  I am also so very insecure, always telling myself I’m not good enough (and today is definitely one of those days…).  I for sure need to work on my negativity & be kind to myself.  This obviously will be a work in progress, but I’d love to have made some major changes by October.

4.  Get my weight, shape & health in check.

Another work in progress, but I’d like to see some results.  Get my eating right, regular workouts, most importantly:  see some of my old dresses comfortably fit me!

5.  Become the ‘doer’ I want to be/finish what I have started (be more assertive).

So many projects.  So many.  I have so many things I’ve started and never finished.  Along with a very long list of new projects I want to start… I best get on this one immediately!  Tonight! I will work on my cross stitch month sampler, I have only finished January and I should be half way through April already!

Such a cute project… each month they email you a new months pattern.

6.  Remember the little things.

This might be silly, but I have let these things slip through the cracks and they are important to me.  The little things:  face masks, teeth whitening, painting my nails, window shopping/real shopping, talking on the phone, decorating, baking, etc.  These things that made me smile and I thoroughly enjoy them.  I need more to make me smile.

So that’s my list.  I will come back to this list periodically and update my progress.  Try to keep myself updated.

I feel good about this list, it’s not so over the top that I can’t at least get a good start by October.  This could easily be done, I just have to stay focused and first and foremost I need to work on being assertive, it will certainly help to accomplish this list.  I really need to work on my self-care and this list is just that:  self-care.

I matter most.  I received this email from The Universe today and I really just love what it said:

Act the part, Maria, and circumstances will shift until it’s no longer acting… and there will be ice cream for everyone.

So that’s it… I will start acting the part.

Happy 1/2 birthday to me!!  Yay!

xo