1/2 way point. (plus a month, but who’s counting?)

So I’m a little over my half birthday… and well, the ambition (per usual) has died down.  I had such great intentions to make a list of 36 things to accomplish this year (since I’m :::shutter::: 36 this year).

I have always been lazy and over ambitious; two things that don’t mix well.  I am not a doer, I want to be, but I’m not naturally a doer.  I have the greatest ideas, but I don’t have the motivation to follow through with them.  Its a shame.  I know I’d be world famous crafter or designer or president or something… if only I could find my strength and motivation.  Seriously though, I have come up with some fantastic ideas.  Lately I have so many ideas, my head is going to explode.  I’ve started writing them down in order for that to not happen.  No one wants to see my head explode… 

All in all… I’m gosh darn depressed!  Some days I feel fantastic and I have all this hope for the future and I’m excited… then there are days like today, where I feel… low, hopeless, worrisome.

This all brings up a thought, many of them actually, but first:  How did I end up here?  Not that I’m in a bad place, nothing like that.  Not even close.  I’m in a great place.  I just never imagined this life for myself.  I always imagined somehow (without any effort on my part, of course) I’d be happily working for someone I enjoyed, married, kids, house, picket fence, the American Dream!  All of it without giving any effort, because I truly felt, it would all just land in my lap.  I never imagined I’d be sans any of those things.  Not that I’d trade my current situation (other than my job — I’m not happy with that at all and would trade it in)… my current situation is great, I’m grateful for all the things & people I have in my life.  Its a good life.  I just have never had/made a plan for myself.  I have always just gone day to day, flowing with the flow…

And now… here I am …36.  It’s not old, but lets be real… its not young either.  I should have at least some of my shit figured out.  This thought really gets to me a lot.  I’ve never been that person that cared about age until this year.  This is the first year I’ve been really upset about not accomplishing any dreams and not even knowing what my dreams are.  I know I have time to accomplish a lot… and I’m working on it, working on it harder than I ever have before.  Yet… nothing has come to fruition and I’m frustrated.  I know things take time, and I’m working on being patient with myself and others.  I’m also trying to not put an importance on the things that are out of my control.  Everything I need is on its way.  I genuinely believe that.  Though… for my sanity, I need progress.  I need to make progress, with the things that are in my control.

I’ve been putting A LOT of thought into going back to school, and even a few actions in place.  I don’t have a solid set in stone plan, just yet, but I have some basic steps in place.  First and foremost is finances.  I have to get my finances in order.  My rough/basic plan is as follows:

\\FINANCES:
–Save $$
–Sell more on Etsy
–Work with financial aid
–Get part time job

\\ETSY:
–Create more items for the store
–PROMOTE
–Blog more (part of the promotion)
–Make business cards

\\SCHOOL:
–Register – DONE
–Financial Aid – In process (waiting for my award letter)
–Talk to counseling office (what classes do I take?!)
–Sign up!

That’s the basic/rough plan so far.   I know there are so so so many details I need to iron out before anything happens… but I’m on a good path.  And I need to stay focused.  If I don’t, I may lose my mind.  I need to move forward with my life… I’ve been standing still for far too long.  Its beginning to feel like my feet are in concrete and I can’t move.  I’m desperate to get moving…

Wish me luck; good, preferably.

How I feel, stuck.

This is a drawing of how I feel; stuck in a bucket of cement, while wearing a seriously adorable dress. (I’m an incredible artist, I know.)

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